I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
