I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
