If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
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