too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
