swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
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