I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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