So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
Are my feet made of real feet?
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
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