I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
its liver damage thursday
Randomize