I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
Just invented taco cereal.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Randomize
