I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Someone signed my nipple.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
