Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Randomize
