i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Randomize
