His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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