The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
