So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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