Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
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