Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
All the doctor said was why
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
