Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Randomize
