nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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