Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
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