Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
