My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
