good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
