I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize