I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
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