giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
