Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
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