Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
