Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
Randomize
