The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Randomize
