The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
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