I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
