New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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