Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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