The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I have aggressive nipples.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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