low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
