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A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
