what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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