you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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