i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize
