Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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