I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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