Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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