A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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