I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
