shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Randomize
