you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
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