Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
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