I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
