I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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