just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Randomize
