So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
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