I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Randomize
