Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
