I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
