when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
