You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
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