I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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