i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
