No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
She told me I should be a condom model.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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