I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
