she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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