Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
