When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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