im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
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