12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Randomize
