I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
