i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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