Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
